"Sucking With Style"

You'll never guess what extra penance this Carmelite took on for Lent! Extra fasting? No. Extra prayers? Nope. A hair shirt? No way!

Instead, I took "Cardio Dancing"* on Friday mornings at my new gym. Isn't that funny? I felt so self-conscious that I should be doing something gigantic or at least more traditional for God. Yet my heart simply tugged me in that direction.

And it was a good thing that I obeyed because I learned SO MUCH about my spiritual life.

First, I realized that as an adult, I'm rarely in new situations that make me uncomfortable. I'm no longer forced to take P.E. class like in high school. I'm not getting graded on trigonometry. I pick and choose things that I mostly feel "good at". Now I wonder now how many of the hated trials in my life are simply things that rub against my sin of perfectionism and my fear of looking incompetent.

Exercise Dance Class is a funny thing for me. I love, love, LOVE to dance. Something about moving to music is so beautiful. Yet I'm totally horrible at picking up new dance steps. Once I know a step, I love to "preform." But that "learning curve" is agonizing. I completely lack kinetic intelligence or something.

Second, learning dance moves got a lot easier when I moved myself into the front row! Before Lent, I hid out in the back of my large class of sixty. But when I moved in the front it was amazing--I could see my instructor. I was totally flopping around up there, but I was showing myself that I was committed and in the game. Guess what? I picked up the new steps a heck of a lot faster in the front than in the back. I nicknamed this move "sucking with style!"

Third, I learned I need to keep my eyes on my dance instructor's feet and not my neighbors. When I was hiding in the back, I'd look at my neighbor's feet to learn the steps. When I was in the front row, there were no neighbors. I had to constantly watch my instructor. Guess what? She was always right! It took me half a class to realize that the "awesome" classmates that I was copying were often doing the steps wrong. No wonder I was getting so confused.

So how did this all translate into my spiritual life?

Carmel is sitting in the front row for me in the spiritual life. I'm six months away from making my temporary three year promise. It's embarrassing because I'm still a very weak Catholic. Despite my weakness and incompetence, I feel like the spotlight of Carmel (my standing up in the front row of the Catholic Church) is good for me. It's potentially embarrassing, but it is going to help me grow faster in my formation.

Jesus is my teacher. I need to keep my eyes on HIS feet. I need to follow his moves and not my neighbor's moves. Being in a church community is awesome. I'm a social butterfly and I'm way more motivated to clean up my soul when others around are in the same space, giving off their energy. But it's critical that I don't "copy" in the spiritual life. (i.e. I can't start moving to the left just because everyone around me is going that way.) While I can receive motivation and inspiration from others, my Spiritual footwork is directly taught from Christ himself--through HIS Word, His Sacraments, His Priests, and small whispers deep inside my heart during prayer.

*(I feel compelled to admit that after 5 months of joining my gym I have lost NOT ONE POUND of my baby weight. Not one pound! I still weigh exactly that same amount as I did on December 31. Good thing I'm gaining all this spiritual insight and enjoying the gym's free babysitting services because my work out motivation is not coming from a falling scale!)

A Little St. John of the Cross for Hump Day

As a mother of several toddlers, this passage made me laugh in recognition:

"It is plain that the appetites are wearisome and tiring. They resemble little children, restless and hard to please, always whining to their mother for this thing or that, and never satisfied." (the Ascent of Mount Carmel, pg 132)

As a mother, I totally understand what St. John is talking about! For example, I go into Target firmly resolved to keep to my list. "This is a quick shopping trip for Baby Tess," I announce loudly. "We are not here to get things for ourselves."

My three year old immediately grabs a small overpriced packet of gold fish crackers. "She's a good girl," I rationalize. "She deserves a gift." I cheerfully give her permission to buy it. But now I've fed her roaring appetite. She's no longer satisfied with goldfish crackers. She wants marshmallows, and cookies, and chocolate popsicles. She wants them ALL, she's not content to trade up or down. Before I know what hits me, she's having a melt down over my denial of a $45 Barbie computer. All this drama which began over a $1 goldfish snack attack.

I think St. John is telling us that if we start indulging in our appetites we will never be satisfied, just like my three year old in Target.

My Newfound Love for St. Mary Magdalen

(Note this post contains some unsavory references to prostitution. Be prepared.)

My reading list for my last American Studies seminar in college featured a book by Kathy Peiss called "Cheap Amusements: Working Women and Leisure in Turn-of-the-Century New York." I had a strange sensation while reading this book that mystified me at the time. I still remember almost every photograph in that book and whole paragraphs are still lodged in my memory. This social history of turn-of-the-century girls with their flouncy hats and tickets to Coney Island, didn't seem particularly interesting at the time. (I was much more of a Gov 100 girl back then). Yet now, I'm starting to put the pieces together.

I think the Holy Spirit was trying to tell my something. Enmeshed in the sin of vanity, I was a "charity girl" who needed to reform my ways!

In "Cheap Amusements", the author describes how the new "Nickelodeons" (or movie theaters) started a break down in the strictly chaperoned "courtship" of the Victorian Era. According to what I remember of Peiss's thesis, the movies theaters held an upper balcony where the prostitutes and their clients saw movies. (Note: wasn't my secular college reading list just lovely? :-) Below, on the main floor, were regular immigrant girls on their new fangled "dates". The prostitutes looked on these girls with contempt and called them "charity girls", because they gave their sexual attention away "for free".

I found a quote on the internet that describes this in more detail:

"When reading Peiss’ essay Dance Madness, I found it interesting that there were many different types of girls seen in dance halls, one group being “charity girls.” These women would receive gifts and attention in return for sexual acts. These women were not seen as prostitutes, for they did not have sex for money. Charity girls were not trying to make a living, and they were not looking for a husband, but were looking for “the pleasure of dancing, flirtation, and sexual encounters.” (Peiss, 116) (quote found here.)

Peiss asserted that Working Class girls hacked away at the strict social rules regarding purity, (giving away a hug here, a quick kiss there)in order to receive free tickets to dance halls, Coney Island and movie theaters. Breaking free of established social customs from the Old World, the rules of chastity individualized among young immigrant girls in New York City. Each Charity girl held onto her own "line" of purity. One would never kiss until she had a "steady" date, another would demand "food, tickets AND a new hat." The Charity girls saw themselves as distant from the prostitutes as stars are from the sea. But the prostitutes saw their similarities and poured contempt upon them.

In shock, I put together the warning I received in my heart while reading this book 15 years later. I WAS a prostitute! I was a "Charity Girl." At the time, I never would have self-identified with such a despised label. After all, I never traded sex for outright cash. But in college, I did imperil my precious gift of virginity for a couple of pitchers of warm beer, some Chinese food dinners, a few laughs and the title of "not being alone" on a Saturday night.

The prostitutes were right to pour contempt on my head! My sins were far worse! My sins of unchastity were hidden in cultural acceptance and my "payment" was a pittance!

All of this is swirling around my head this week, because I've fallen in love with Mary Magdalen this Easter. I LOVE her. At my Easter homily, Father Doug described the beauty that Mary the Mother of God stood beside Mary Magdalen at the Crucifixion. Father Doug said "there was the Virgin Mary representing the home Jesus came from and there was Mary Magdalen representing the home he chose during his public ministry."

"The home He choose..." that lit up in my mind like a Neon Sign.

Jesus CHOSE Mary Magdalen, the sinner. The prostitute. He came from the purity of the Holy Family, and he chose the dirty, impure home of Mary, Martha and Lazarus to befriend.

I find all these thoughts very calming as I climb higher in the second mansion of Carmel. I am NOT the Virgin Mary! I am not worthy of this gift of Catholic family life.

Yet my Jesus is a friend of prostitutes. Jesus told the angry Pharisees: "Truly I tell you, the tax collectors and the prostitutes are going into the kingdom of God ahead of you. For John came to you in the way of righteousness and you did not believe him, but the tax collectors and the prostitutes believed him; and even after you saw it, you did not change your minds and believe him." (Matthew 21: 28-32)

I'm not yet a witness to the Resurrection of Jesus Christ. I haven't made it yet. I don't feel his resurrected presence yet in the marrow of my bones. But I am chasing after him! I've heard on the reliable authority of my beloved St. Mary Magdalen that something remarkable happened on that first Easter day.

So please hurry on ahead of me in prayer today! You don't want a former prostitute, a reformed "Charity Girl" to get to the Kingdom ahead of you! :-)

The Communal Life of a Carmelite

I had a funny moment when I took Tess to her nine month check-up today. In the checklist for "social development" there was a question "Does your nine month old child wave bye-bye?"

"No, she doesn't" I thought with a start. "Is there something wrong with Tess?"

Then I remembered why...

I never, ever leave this kid. She's always with me. Baby Tess hasn't ever had the chance to learn how to wave "bye bye" because her Mama never leaves the front door without her!

In The Face of a Man's Death, A Christian Never Rejoices

"Osama bin Laden, as we all know, bore the most serious responsibility for spreading divisions and hatred among populations, causing the deaths of innumerable people, and manipulating religions to this end," Father Lombardi said.

"In the face of a man's death, a Christian never rejoices, but reflects on the serious responsibilities of each person before God and before men, and hopes and works so that every event may be the occasion for the further growth of peace and not of hatred," the [Vatican] spokesman said.

Official Statement from the Vatican is here.

I'm a little freaked out that we killed Osama bin Liden on both Divine Mercy Sunday AND the exact day Pope John Paul II's beatification.

Earlier that day I was so excited to show my kids those amazing picture of the Pope meeting with his Assassin in jail and extending his forgiveness.

Reassurance from St. Jeanne Jugan

(founder of the Little Sisters of the Poor, nuns who care for the elderly poor)

"Jesus is waiting for you in the chapel. Go and find him when your strength and patience are giving out, when you feel lonely and helpless. Say to him: 'You know well what is happening my dear Jesus. I have only you. Come to my aid . . . ' And then go your way. And don't worry about knowing how you are going to manage. It is enough that you have told our good Lord. He has an excellent memory."

Totally experienced this same thing last Saturday. I love adoration!

May 15- Prayer for Vocations Day

Something I'm marking on my Google Calendar!

"It is essential that every local Church become more sensitive and attentive to the pastoral care of vocations, helping children and young people in particular at every level of family, parish and associations – as Jesus did with his disciples - to grow into a genuine and affectionate friendship with the Lord, cultivated through personal and liturgical prayer; to grow in familiarity with the sacred Scriptures and thus to listen attentively and fruitfully to the word of God; to understand that entering into God’s will does not crush or destroy a person, but instead leads to the discovery of the deepest truth about ourselves; and finally to be generous and fraternal in relationships with others, since it is only in being open to the love of God that we discover true joy and the fulfilment of our aspirations. “Proposing Vocations in the Local Church” means having the courage, through an attentive and suitable concern for vocations, to point out this challenging way of following Christ which, because it is so rich in meaning, is capable of engaging the whole of one’s life."

(Pope's call for 48th WORLD DAY OF PRAYER FOR VOCATIONS)

Lets Model "Right Away Obedience"

Am I the only parent who STRUGGLES with obedience issues? I'm like a broken record saying "Setting the table with a grumpy face after I've nagged you eight thousand times does not count as obedience! Jesus loves a cheerful giver." My friend Maria B. calls this demanding "right away obedience".

The English translation of our Catholic Mass is getting a spit and polish shoe shine this coming Advent 2011. You know how much human nature resists change. There will be grumbling. There will be fuss. There will be naysayers.

Yet we can show our love to our Holy Father by modeling "right away obedience" to the changes in the Liturgy.

Here is the link. Educate yourself!

Then be a cheerful model of obedience in your parish this coming Advent.

Happy Divine Mercy Sunday!

The Vatican's rules for a plenary on this day are explained here. As a note to myself,

this Bishop letter

lists some great ideas for helping invite others to celebrate this wonderful feast in 2012.

"Indeed, God's great patience with the human race in general and with each individual person shines out in a special way when sins and moral failures are forgiven by Almighty God Himself and the guilty are readmitted in a fatherlike way to his friendship, which they deservedly lost." (Vatican website)

I just want to give a loud shout out to God's infinite mercy! When you see the loving Catholic family life shining from the pages of this website, know that I'm proof of an ongoing "Mary Magdalene like" conversion. In my 20s I was horribly enmeshed in mortal sin, particularly the sin of unchastity. One tiny heartfelt Hail Mary said inside the Notre Dame Cathedral in the Paris changed all of that around.

How God loves to pour out his Mercy upon us sinners!

The Vatican's rules for a plenary on this day are explained here. As a note to myself, this Bishop's letter lists some great ideas for helping invite others to celebrate this wonderful feast in 2012.


Hurrah also for Pope John Paul II beatification! Anyone got any great ideas for special prayers and celebrations today?

Prayer of Willis and Kate

Wedding prayer written by the happy royal couple

"God our Father, we thank you for our families; for the love that we share and for the joy of our marriage.
In the busyness of each day keep our eyes fixed on what is real and important in life and help us to be generous with our time and love and energy.
Strengthened by our union help us to serve and comfort those who suffer. We ask this in the Spirit of Jesus Christ. Amen."

St. Catherine of Siena, pray for us.

Read the entire text of the Bishop of Canterbury's sermon here.

Before I was a slave, I didn't even care about myself.

I just about fainted in Borders this afternoon when I read this quote on the back of a book jacket of a biography of St. Patrick:

"Believe me, I didn't go to Ireland willing the first time-- I almost died there. But it turned out to be good for me in the end, because God used the time to shape and mold me into something better. He made me into what I am now- someone very different from what I once was, someone who can care about others and work to help them. Before I was a slave, I didn't even care about myself."

(Phillip Freeman, St. Patrick of Ireland, Simon & Schuster, 2004).

Does that blow your mind open? I couldn't believe that a stranger could so totally get my NICU experience. . .my infertility wait... my miscarriage. The mystery of suffering beside our friend Jesus Christ is a deep and beautiful one.

My Conversion of Heart on the Papacy--A Minor Miracle of Blessed John Paul II

I walked into my RICA class in 2001 with two big chips on my shoulder. I respected the Catholic Church, sort of. I went to Mass with my Catholic husband and begrudgingly promised to baptize my future children in the Catholic faith. However, I was only attending RICA for "educational purposes"-- to understand what my kids would one day be learning in Sunday School.

I knew that I was going to remain a Protestant myself for two reasons:

a)I wasn't going to get sucked into this "worshiping Mary nonsense", &

b) I wasn't going to "kowtow" to no Pope.

Well, you can guess how long a future Carmelite held out on the "I will honor Jesus ONLY issue", but on the eve of Pope John Paul II Beatification, I wanted to share a personal conversion story.

In the Fall of 2001, Jon and I had the habit of watching double features in the Independent Movie theater of Rochester, New York. One weekend they advertised the movie "Witness to Hope."

I came out of that film transformed.

I couldn't speak to my husband.

I couldn't believe that there was a person who suffered so much. The early loss of his Mother, the death of his father, the Natzis, the Communists, everything. And this man kept his Faith. He became a priest. He served his flock. He ministered in the woods to the young, to the newlyweds, to the exhausted parents of his parish. Then, he got unexpectedly tapped on his shoulder to become Pope.

Pope John Paul II was a man who held onto his Christian Faith despite all the odds.

I suddenly decided "It would be an honor to serve under this man."

I came back to my RICA class. Same seat. Same teacher. Same Classmates. But I had a different heart.

When I heard about the Pope's authority, my heart didn't well up with rebellous pride anymore.

"I'm not saying that I'll automatically agree with everything any future Pope will say," I said as I explained my conversion to Catholicism to my dumbstruck Protestant friends. "But this current Pope is different. He's very holy."

I love you Pope John Paul the great! Thank you for pulling me back into the fold. Your personal holiness helped me look past my inherited prejudices and fall in love with the glory of the seat of St. Peter.

(P.S. Did you know Pope John Paul II was a Secular Carmelite? He even did his thesis on St. John of the Cross.)

St. Catherine of Siena

"Be who God meant you to be and you will set the world on fire.” So said St Catherine of Siena whose festival day it is today.." From the Bishop's Sermon at the Royal Wedding today.

St. Catherine of Siena, pray for Princess Kate and for all of us women called to the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony.

The Benjamin Kids

 

Moby Disaster

 

Honey, I don't think it's supposed to look like that....

and I'm not just talking about a man wearing pink....

 

"Help me Miss Lauren, Help Me" shouts a concern Tess. (and yes I did stop to get my camera before rescuing my post NICU baby because I'm such a blogger!)

April Showers Bring....

 

More LAUNDRY!

 

Easter 2011

 

My family w/ my brother and sister. (Jon is taking the photo)

 

Outside with Father Doug

 

the bunny cake--Jon did all the carving work

 

Things That I Now Know As a Mother Of 4

It's all about "knowing when to fold them!"

Delegation, baby!

As poor as we are, I still:

I pay someone else to deliver groceries to my door (through online grocery shopping),

pay someone else to do my taxes, (I survived TAX LAW 100 people! It took 8 years of marriage for my husband to convince me to hand over the job to H & R Block. It literally causes me physical pain to hit "pay" each April for our taxes--but it's worth it. Trying to find a few hours of "uninterrupted silence" with 4 young kids in our house is impossible!),

And now.....

I'm going to start paying someone else to take professional photographs of my 4 kids!

It was literally impossible for me to get all my kids to look in one direction at the same time in their darling Easter Outfits. It's especially challenging with a six year old son who makes awful faces and then runs into another room after 2 camera flashes. In the middle of losing my mind in the five seconds we had left before church, I decided "it is SO worth it to pay $10 a sheet at Target for this!!!"

 

 

 

How To Tell That You Are Coming Off Lent

During a tense negotiation with my eight year old in the middle of a department store dressing room, my first instinct was to mutter under my breath

....... "it sure is an act of mercy to clothe the naked!"

(Hope my new leaf with Hannah holds up! :-)