Order--Prayer, Work & House Cleaning

For Melanie

I inherited a battle inside my mind over cleaning the house. I'm a Creative. Mess comes with the territory. I used to only be able to write papers in college if I had every single note card and book with a quote source open and staring me in the face. I was nortiously horrible at keeping house as a single girl. My roommates hated me. My future husband gave a shriek of horror when he saw me back a full backpack and 2 large suitcases for a 3 week trip to Australia I took without him while we were dating. He muttered something like "It's too late tonight to help you repack your suitcases but I can help you reorganize your carryon."

Through all my single life, I lived this idea that "I don't care about the mess!" I got married to a guy who honestly liked to shampoo his own carpets as a single guy at age 27. For the first 10 years of our marriage, I only did the laundry and the grocery shopping. My husband practically did every other domestic job inside our house.

That was a victory for feministism right? I was free to write on my blog or breastfeed my kids and write up pretty portfolios for my homeschool reviews.

Here's the thing, I wasn't free. I wasn't making a conscious choice of "My husband is better at these 3 tasks, so lets divide the household labor in a way that makes sense." I also wasn't saying this is a reasonable level of clean for a family with small children.

I lived in a prison of doubt and terror about housework inside my own mind. I didn't know how to do housework. I didn't like to do housework. Whenever I tried to learn, I started yelling at everyone around me. So the easiest thing was just to say "I quit!" and "I'm a girl who writes books instead of cleans her house."

Over the Spring I hung out with some Religious Sisters.These ladies were in their 70s and 80s and awesome people.They are smart. They are funny. They are wise. They also clean their monestery, daily. 

I came home after my retreat and I felt depressed inside my own living room. The walls were painted a sunny yellow and there were two little graceful seahorses bobbing along on small tables. But the space still felt barren and unwelcoming. I felt the Sisters encouraging me to do better. I knew they didn't mind my poverty or the fact that I have plastic animals from my kids inside my living room. I felt like they were telling me to do a little bit of cleaning work for God. So I dusted off my mantle and I spent $30 on 2 tall palm trees to put next to the fireplace. The palms died, because I'm not good with houseplanets. While the palms were alive, however, I started to spend more time inside our living room. I found the daughter who is the natural decorator and she put seashells we found from the beach on all the little tables. I got inspired by her cheerful example. 

Right now, I clean my house because I love to write. It feels a little self-indulgent to work on fiction while their is dirty laundry staring me at the face by my writing desk in the living room. So I created a new laundry system so that I can finish my book this year without guilt.

Now I am motivated to create order, not just clean or pick-up, but to attack the chaos at the root, because I want more time for me. I want more time to pray, and write, and chat leisurely with my husband. It is totally possible to do those three activies surround by the clutter choas of young children. That was my life for 14 years of my marriage and I have 6 kids ages 12 to 1. 

It is a delightful experience to chat with my husband inside a clean bedroom and go to sleep on clean sheets and to actually know where my Bible is currently before I start Morning Prayer. Order is not something I do to impress other people outside my home. Order is something I do so that I can get more stuff done cheerfully inside my life. 

I feel like I cook for my husband and my 2 hungry sons. I do laundry for my fashion conscious girls who love to dress with style. I feel like I clean my house for me, and me alone.

How did I get here? Here are a few steps in my individual journey. We all have our own journey's into "Order", so don't feel like this is a road map. More like a "suggestion list." 

1. A life change book for me was "The Quotidian Mysteries: Laundry, Liturgy and "Women's Work" by Kathleen Norris. After reading that book, I made a philosphical switch. I learned that doing routine, daily, boring "housework" could actually help me write, pray and think better. Intellectual work is tough. I find that once I get my hands dirty, my head is really free to work out whatever knot I've currently tied myself into. Now I'm so thankful to get to do both. I live a life of the mind and also of hard work.

2. There is a website called "Unf*** Your Habitat." It has a cuss word. It is not the usual Catholic Mom fare. What I learned from that website was 2 pearls of wisdom. A) The 20/10 rule. Clean for 20 minutes and then stop. B) Just Care About Making Your Living Space Better, Not Perfect. With young kids and a non-sleeping baby, it's easy to feel like "I'm working so hard but nothing is getting clean around here!" That depressing thought process made me want to give up. I learned how to judge myself gently. Did the living space look "better?" Then it was a success. It helped me to go on Tumbler and look at real life messy situations. I feel like I learned how to be kinder to myself on that site. I also learned how to unclog a drain with a baking soda volcano. It felt impossible to stay bitter about housecleaning after that fun gem!

3. Rest In My Work. There are times as a Mother of Young Children than I want to fall over because I am so tired during my day. Sometimes it feels like I can't handle another step. My old habit was to curl up in a ball on the couch and watch mindless TV. (I don't even think that was necessarily the wrong thing to do while I was breastfeeding a small kid last year. But now that he's 1, I can do a little more work for myself and family other than simply holding a newborn).

 Now when I get that feeling and it's not my previously scheduled "Me Time," I tell myself keep going and "Rest In Your Work." I learned that concept from the Benedictine Sisters. It's supernatural. I find that if I keep to my constant routine, like putting the young girls to bed the exact same way every nightand doing Night Prayer, and all the other stuff I just to  skip out of whenever I was "too tired", I'll get a lift in the middle of doing my work. Then when I rest, which is usually from 4-6 AM each morning and 9:30-10:00 PM each night, I'm really "resting", not hiding from my work.

My view of housework is that I do to take care of myself. I brush my teeth. I pay my bills. I clean my floors. It is certainly possible to write a novel inside my bathrobe. I write do write in my bathrobe from 6 AM to 7 AM almost every weekday morning. But taking charge of a household routine means that after 7 AM, there are clean clothes hung neatly in my closet to change into after my writing time. I have the confidence to spontaneously invite people over to dinner. My kids are just a tad more independent of me in their daily life if things are already in their place. 

What am I doing with all this extra time? I'm organizing an Environmental Film Festival in two locations over the six months!

Best wishes for everyone figuring out a calm order inside their own homes. We all deserve a beautiful and comfortable place to live! Loveliness isn't just a gift for the rich or for company. We deserve an "everyday" kind of gracefilled order because everyone single one of us is important with big gifts to share with our troubled world.

The Adventure of My Interior Life

Last weekend I had the joy of attending a local movie party for environmental films called The American Conservation Film Festival. I spent hours watching amazing sights from Norway to Indonesia. One of the most encouraging films, The Little Things, came from snowboarders who made their love of the mountains into an 360 degree lifestyle as awe inspiring as any of their brave flips on an Olympic Course. 

I got a chance to travel the world inside a small historic theater in rural West Virginia last weekend. I came home refreshed and restored and grateful. I'm grateful for the great adventure that somes from staying still. I live only 4 hours away from the spot that I landed when I was 14. Some days I only leave my house in order to walk my dog. Yet this ife adventure that I'm on is huge. I love movies. I love storytelling. I love art. I love being reminded that my simple life, my interior victories and my focus on searching for Truth, connects me to people all over the world. 

The American Conservation Film Festival continues in Shepherdstown, WV on Sunday, November 1 from 4:30 to 9:00 PM. Tickets are $12 for a block of films. They also have "pay what you can" and "free" ticket options. All children ages 12 and under are free. If you have any interest in photography, environmentalism, art or politics, so see these films with me! 

Dealing With The Toxic Shame of Student Loan Debt

In a few months, I'm considering making a promise to spend the rest of my life as a Carmelite. I'm starting to sweat my profession. First, I'm promising to spend 90 minutes to 120 minutes a day in prayer, which at this stage of my limited formation seems so incredibly boring.  In my early Carmelite days I used to hop around with interior joy and think "Yeah, it's prayer time. Time to get fed Royal Honey from the Creator of the World!" Now in the middle of a good case of acedia at age 40 I think, "By promising to pray the Liturgy of the Hours, a 1/2 hour of mental prayer, and attend Mass every day, that's about 2 hours a day in prayer for the rest of my life!"

I don't have any magical answers for the cure of acedia, except to look at the fruits. Prayer is like this huge battle. It's really hard. Yet we live in a time when almost everyone I meet on a daily basis is dying of loneliness and spiritual thirst. I'm much happier and more productive when I've got a steady prayer routine in my life. I usually enjoy helping "water" my husband and my children with this access to deeper grace. The few times, when I really want to give up, Christ will send me a stranger to greet who I somehow "give" the right words, or a comforting action, and I know that that knowledge didn't come from "me" but is a result of something "beyond me."

I live in a harsh social climite in a poor community inside the hills of Appalachia.  There is so much natural beauty around me. There is also so much harded sin. We're the state of fracking from coal companies and poisoned drinking water. Almost every single person that I adored from my Central West Virginia High School has left the State for better job opportunities. "I alone remain." My battles here are so small and so hardwon. I am so tempted to run away to a better spot. Yet there are so many times that I'm glad that I don't live in Washington D.C. or Boston or Portland. 

When I think about becoming a Carmelite here, in this State, I'm so filled with gratitude and hope. Only 5% of the State is Catholic. There are not many priests here or religious. I'm grateful to be close enough to an established Carmelite Community in Maryland that draws members from Pennsylvania, Maryland, Virginia, and West Virginia. We have 3 members from West Virginia. While sometimes I wish we were part of a bigger, and more active, diocese there is something beautiful about taking all that wisdom and joy back over the bridge that crosses a state line at the Potomac River at the end of every meeting.

While my struggles to become a Carmelite are mostly internal, there is an external hurdle that as caused me anxiety recently, my student loan debt. I know that God is going to have big plans for me after I become a Carmelite. Since I'm joining an order based on the "virtue of poverty", I'm pretty sure I won't be getting paid for most of his work for me. For example, just this week, I'm writing a fiction book that no one is going to read. I'm an unpaid volunteer for a Conservation Film Festival. I'm a school teacher for my own children, which doesn't pay.

I'm excited to do more of this fun work. I like being a free agent for God inside this nutty world economy. 

But there is my $90,000 of student loan debt from Law School which has morphed into $115,000 after my elevan years of not working. On my calm days I think "only $25,000 for 11 years with 6 kids. What a bargain!" On my spiritually spiraling days, I think "What if I never repay this debt?"

Educational Debt is hard on me and sometimes it feels shameful and toxic. There's this issue of "Are you using your education?" As a woman, I also think "Am I letting down my gender?" (I went to a feminist all women's college) When I add the layer of debt to all the philosphical discussions, I start to feel like a real failure. I start to make vague plans to rush out and either get a part-time paralegal job or start my own business in order to "pull my own weight."

In the middle of this struggle, I keep finding these messages to slow down and appreciate what I give to the world. I'm learning that humility is not just an appreciation of what I lack, but also an appreciation of what I have.

One night last week, when I was struggling with my Secular Carmelite Vocation I did a google websearch that landed me on a Monestary page for Carmelite monks (friars). In black and white the monks said "We understand that your education will likely benefit your work in the Order. Therefore, we are happy to assume responsiblity for repayment of your educational debt. We can't do the same for other kinds of debt, including credit card debt and car loan. But contact us. We have worked with men in your same situation."

I felt this openness and lighteness when I read that sentence. I felt like there was a way into the Order, even as a Secular. Don't panic. Work diligently to get rid of all consumer debt, including our mortage. Realize that my extensive education benefits my work as a Carmelite. I need to be patient and trust that my educational loans can get repayed, even as I work for God.

Today I had the courage to relook at my student loans. It's amazing how much better the information for consumers has gotten in the 15 years since I signed my promissory notes for Law School. There is a national studentloan.gov website that gives comparative anaylsis among all my repayment plans in visual graphics! I was so happy to see a graph!

When I was 25, I took a low paying Non-Profit Law Job on faith. All, and I mean all, of my dear friends who went to a well known public interest law school to work in government or non-profit work, freaked out over the cost of our law school loans are 3rd year and went to work for huge Law Firms in Chicago or Milwaukee or New York City. I hung on to my first choice career dreams out of sheer stubbornness. 

After I had landed the impossible to find non-profit "dream job", I ended up having a horrible conversation over the phone (a landline, not a cellphone) with a Customer Service Specialist from Sallie Mae in the hallway of my cheap rental house in Portsmouth, Ohio. I had this awful moment of panic where I thought "My classmates were right. It is impossible to repay this education debt and still live at the same time." I hung on the phone line again out of stubbornness and kept saying "I can't pay this monthly debt amount. There has to be another way!" Of course, there was another option. They just didn't want to tell me about it.

When I looked at these cool graphics related to my specific situation, I realized how much that would have helped me navigate the confusion of student loan repayments at age 25. I'm also happy they replugged the loophole. Back in my day, they gave loan forgiveness to doctors, nurses, teachers and police officers. They didn't give it to lawyers. I was stuck in a hole where I had to pay a high price for a legal education to do the work I wanted to do in Appalachia, but important non-profit work had low wages. Now it looks like they offer loan forgiveness to all major non-profit workers. I'm happy. I'm glad no one else is going to have that stress.

I like finding the hard middle way. I want to do the special work that I, alone, was put on this plane to accomplish. I also want to be responsible and repay my student loan debt. Right now, my current repayment plan means that I'll finish my loans at age 62 or 63. That number is kind of laughable, right? I signed my first big loan promissory note for $18,000 at age 22. A mere 40 years later I'll get to celebrate my last loan payment.

When I find courage to look at the actual debt numbers and own my life choices, I feel this intense amount of joy. 

I'm so grateful that all of this messy, hard, spiritual journey to become a Carmelite means that I find peace in work, in debt, in family, in identity, in addition getting to chat with the Creator of the World with love and intimacy each day. Peace with God means Peace on Earth!

Thank you for listening to my long, ramblings. He sets the captives free!