Because I've now lost two babies in the second trimester, I've got more than 10 weeks before this little baby starts to be in the clear. It seems like a long time to feel uncertain.
I can't control the outcome of this pregnancy. I can control my attitude. One day at a time. I decided to simply celebrate this precious gift for as long as he (or she) is in my life. Today we have a strong heartbeat. That is no small feat. There are a lot of Moms who would happily trade places with me. "Guarded Hope" is how my husband is describing our feelings.
One funny note,-- the doctor carefully printed out two pictures of my baby, who's "working title name" is Matthew Benjamin. Things are so bad that this could very well be the only two pictures I ever have of this kid. I came out from my ultrasound and showed the images to my husband. He said "I'll take one for my office." My nine year old son instantly followed, "Can I have one for my wallet?"
My husband said "Sure!" He asks for scissors at the front desk. They don't have any. So my husband starts to tear the photos apart with his car key.
I'm watching this situation unfold and it's on the tip of my tongue to say "Wait, I need one! Also, what about the scrapbook? Can't we wait until we make copies?"
Something in my stops my words. I realize I'm okay being left out. I'm the one carrying the baby. It's so darling to see my husband and my son take ownership of the two blurry images we have of Matthew. Matthew's ultrasound picture is now inside his older brother's wallet. The only other things inside there are a Game Stop card and some wrinkled single dollars.
St. Gerard, Pray for us!
(this is my special baby song I sing to Matthew during this pregnancy)