I have a kind and respectful husband. He encouraged me to eat dinner at 8:30 PM. We talked a little around the edges of my problem. I agreed that I have a tendency to be a tad hard on myself. I chased the kids off of Cartoon Network and emptied my bedroom of people. I changed into my pajamas.
I surprised myself because at 9 PM I felt better. After two and half hours of crying, I felt peaceful. I felt hopeful. I got some good advice at my CODA meeting. I shocked that this program works. I've spent my whole life avoiding feeling my negative feelings. I've spent a lifetime in my head intellectualizing problems and "being a pro-active problem solver." Last night, I went into a room with strangers and I felt real grief. After it was done, no one gave me "advice" on how to fix my problem. I got some gentle hugs, instead.
At 9 PM last night, I felt happy. I didn't have the urge to go shopping. I didn't have the urge to pick apart my situation in my head. I didn't have the urge to research obsessively on the internet. Instead, I watched a crummy TV show. I kissed my husband after he put our kids to bed. Then I went to sleep.
I'm so grateful for recovery. I'm hopeful that life at 40 is going to rock!