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More Miscarriage Notes

alec vanderboom

1. My husband and I took a tour of a cemetery today. In the pouring rain. A local cemetery has offered to give us a gravesite plot for free. The gravesite is located in a special place for young children called "Baby Land." That is grace.

2. I'm trying not to be embittered that my local Catholic cemetery a) does not appear to have a similar free infant grave site program and b) fails to return my phone calls within four days. (I'll be sending a follow up letter later).

3. West Virginia has legislation in committee called "The WV Grieving Parents Act." This law would give parents the right to bury their child regardless of gestational age. It's an option for parents of miscarriages to petition the state to give some kind of fetal death certification which would let them ask the hospital to return a baby's remains, including those from a D & C. I'll be sending a letter to my local representative in support of this law.

4. I'm worried the homeschooling means that now I think I can do everything at home--including funeral parlor work.

5. We went to the grocery store for milk and diapers. My husband told me in the car that my OB doctor had mentioned that I could flush our son's body down the toilet after the miscarriage during our office consult on Thursday. I freaked out. "He mentioned a toilet! To me--a Catholic mother! Someone he knows adores her kids and really wanted this youngest child!" My husband said "The angels must have blocked your ears. I looked at you after he said that and I couldn't believe you weren't reacting to it."  I couldn't believe I missed that insult. I had some choice comebacks for him the in the grocery store parking lot. Then I decided God knows that I couldn't have heard that sentence in that vulnerable moment without punching my doctor hard in the shoulder. God's really good at letting me avoid assault charges while I'm carrying this cross.

6. I've been thinking a lot about the book of Tobit. How beautiful that is on the act of mercy of burying the dead. It sucks. No one wants to do it, but its very important.

7. If I had unlimited funds, this is the casket that I'd pick for my Leo. There is a casket company that specializes in caskets for miscarried babies. I love this one. I think these are still too expensive for us. I'm going to be improvising.

8. Leo's death means that Abigail has been promoted to the most beautiful baby in the world. I'm so grateful she's alive. I'm struck by the beauty of everything she does this week.

9. My son turns 9 tomorrow. I'm worried that I can't hold it together for his birthday party. I felt like God answered my prayer and said "It's okay if you don't." I'm thankful for birthday parties at Chuck E Cheese which means that a) I don't have to do any prep while I'm feeling this awful and b) its so loud and exciting that there's a chance that none of my kids will notice if I start to cry.

10. Jon's waking up in the middle of the night to check on all our kids to make sure they are still breathing. I totally understand this.