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Mother's Day is Hard for Me

alec vanderboom

Mother's Day is hard for me. I have some negative memories associated with that day. For me, having kids meant that I came out of denial. Holidays are "trigger days" now. I remember all kinds of stuff that I haven't remembered before because I too busy acting out the exhausting role of Black Sheep Scape Goat & Shiny Pretty Golden Girl.

On Mother's Day, I usually deal with an extra load of emotional pain from my childhood. At the same time, I feel totally unworthy of all the sweet words on pre-printed on those Mother's Day cards myself. Then I carry all this internal pressure to wear a "happy face" so I look appreciative enough for my kids. It is a perfectionist's recipe for disaster.

This year, I'm in this new group and it helps me so much. One of the taglines is "Are you uncomfortable with public displays of appreciation?" Yes, that is me. I wilt under the pressure of Mother's Day.

This year, I'm feeling up for the challenge. I extended forgiveness to my Mom and myself. I sent my Mom a card, but I didn't kill myself hunting 20 years for the perfect gift for her.

This year, I decided I'm going to keep my heart open. However, uncomfortable it feels for me to have a bunch of young children tell me how great a job I'm doing, are doing, I'm not going to shut down in fear. My kids need an opportunity to tell me how much they love me. I need to hear it plainly, without adding a mental cavet "well you say that now, but what until after you grow up...." in the back of my mind.

I'll be praying hard this Mother's Day. If this is an easy holiday for you--God bless you. I hope that I'll get there soon. If it's a hard day for you, please consider dropping me a prayer intention at my email address. There are so many people in my heart. There are Mothers with infertility, miscarriage, and child death this Mother's Day.

There was only one Mom who truly deserves all those flowing words in a Hallmark Commercial --Mary, the Mother of God. Thankfully, she has enough grace flowing through her to make up for all that I lack.