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The Collapse

alec vanderboom

Do you have it? Have you felt it? The little dig. The little pinprick that lets all the air out of your self esteem balloon. The little interchange that leaves you flat and useless for the rest of the day.

AHHH! I'm going to STOP beating myself up for being weak. I read a passage where Jesus cures that demonic --you know the guy where Jesus sends all of his demons into a swine herd of pigs? So lets call him the "pig guy" for simplicity's sake. Okay, before the pig guy got cured--he used break free from metal chains, ran around a graveyard, and bashed his body with stones.

Yeah. So change that scenario to "figuratively" hits her body with stones, instead of "literally" (see I'm learning correct grammar from you Miss Leila) and that is me. I hit a patch of bad mental ice and rather than quickly correct, I walk around saying "I'm so stupid. I'm so weak. Normal Mothers don't do this!"

Last night, I got a tension head ache after three different women in my life emailed complicated instructions regarding Girl Scout Cookie Sales. A Normal Mom might not have been emotionally knocked out by a few email exchanges. But for me, I had a tension headache by 5 PM. I abandoned the field after dinner, crawled into bed, drank lots of foul tasting Gatoraide, and asked my husband to rub my neck while he read Sir Arther Coyle's Sherlock Holmes out loud.

I am in recovery. I'm not going to beat myself up. Instead, I'm going to reframe last night as a mental health victory. I finished dinner! Big deal! I didn't not take out my emotional pain by yelling at my husband or my five children--Bigger Deal! I exhibited self-care, by asking affirmatively for what I needed and showering myself  with love. Yes! I skipped a Girl Scout Meeting when it appeared that my headache was not disappearing with medicine. Hurrah for getting over my "must have perfect attendance" guilt.

Now today's task is to not bash my head in with stones by saying "I'm so stupid and weak to be thrown off by a few emails." Today's task is to think " I am what I am" and God's grace is all that I need.