She was doing better on the new meds. Then we lost power for 11 days. Her medicine need to be refridgerated and honestly, things were so nutty I think I just forgot to give it to her for a few days. She cried for two weeks solid. Then she was perfect for Vacation Bible School (my girl is a social butterfly and there were lots of people to hold her and talk to her while I was teaching). She started sobbing on Sunday. Monday, I thought I was going to lose my mind.
I got her into the doctors today. We're working with a new dosage. Things are going to work out--either we'll figure out a medicine schedule that work, or the kid will outgrow this bad reflux thing shortly.
Here's the thing, the baby is not going to feel better overnight. Meanwhile, I have to figure out how to stay sane while my kid is crying for hours and hours every day.
I don't know how to do this. Her cries spark all kinds of negative thoughts in my head. "I'm a bad mother." "I should be able to stop this." "Why is this bad stuff always happening to me?"
It's so embarrassing to write this because I was a NICU Mom two years ago. With Teresa, we really were facing a life and death situation. With Abigail, it's just chronically annoying. Here's the thing, with Tess, I felt His grace. It was horrible. I feel apart. I was pushed as a Mom far beyond what I thought I could handle--but I felt his grace. There was no one day where I didn't feel multiple "pick-me-ups" from God.
This cross seems even harder. She's not sick enough to run to the ER. But she's not "well" either. She's just a irritated baby who can never seem to quite get down for a good nap, or nurse a good meal, or stay calm and happy alone in her swing.
I'm not hitting "bottom" like I did with Miss Teresa's "nosedives towards death." But I'm not "off" either. There's just this grey zone.
I'm so sick of grey. I'm so sick of perpetually being in a bad mood.
I'm going to try to stand closer to Jesus during the crying episodes. Pray for me to kick the bad mental thoughts habit.