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The Hardest Part About Mothering Is the Mental Thing

alec vanderboom

Baby Abigail is back on the "colic" thing. (It's really infant reflux, but I call it "colic" in my head and in public because it gets me more sympathy. Heartburn doesn't sound so bad unless its your  own newborn who is sobbing and twitching for 20 hours each day).

She was doing better on the new meds. Then we lost power for 11 days. Her medicine need to be refridgerated and honestly, things were so nutty I think I just forgot to give it to her for a few days. She cried for two weeks solid. Then she was perfect for Vacation Bible School (my girl is a social butterfly and there were lots of people to hold her and talk to her while I was teaching). She started sobbing on Sunday. Monday, I thought I was going to lose my mind.

I got her into the doctors today. We're working with a new dosage. Things are going to work out--either we'll figure out a medicine schedule that work, or the kid will outgrow this bad reflux thing shortly.

Here's the thing, the baby is not going to feel better overnight. Meanwhile, I have to figure out how to stay sane while my kid is crying for hours and hours every day.

I don't know how to do this. Her cries spark all kinds of negative thoughts in my head. "I'm a bad mother." "I should be able to stop this." "Why is this bad stuff always happening to me?"

It's so embarrassing to write this because I was a NICU Mom two years ago. With Teresa, we really were facing a life and death situation. With Abigail, it's just chronically annoying. Here's the thing, with Tess, I felt His grace. It was horrible. I feel apart. I was pushed as a Mom far beyond what I thought I could handle--but I felt his grace. There was no one day where I didn't feel multiple "pick-me-ups" from God.

This cross seems even harder. She's not sick enough to run to the ER. But she's not "well" either. She's just a irritated baby who can never seem to quite get down for a good nap, or nurse a good meal, or stay calm and happy alone in her swing.

I'm not hitting "bottom" like I did with Miss Teresa's "nosedives towards death." But I'm not "off" either. There's just this grey zone.

I'm so sick of grey. I'm so sick of perpetually being in a bad mood.

I'm going to try to stand closer to Jesus during the crying episodes. Pray for me to kick the bad mental thoughts habit.