On Tuesday, I didn't get ANY Carmelite prayers done for the first time in several months.
I was completely CRUSHED by the various demands of my life by 10:15 AM.
Today was better, of course.
I'm trying to find meaning in all of this struggle. I feel like I'm very much a black/white thinker in terms of self-esteem. When I bake cupcakes with my daughter, or clean up a messy paperwork mistake over the phone, or I find the elusive size 2 soccer cleats for my son, then I feel like a "good Mom." However, when our home-schooling sessions go horribly wrong, or I'm so sick I can't leave the living room couch for an entire afternoon, then I feel like a "bad Mom."
I thought I left most of that perpetual race of "I have to be productive and competent all the time or I'll be fired" back at the workplace.
But it seems like I dragged much of it home with me as a stay-at-home mom.
And now whether its failing behind in home-schooling, or falling behind in housework, or my failure to even get the frozen shrimp thawed before my husband comes home at 7 PM at night, all of those "mess ups" have my irrationally afraid of screwing up my dear children for life.
I have no idea what a "normal" home-life is supposed to look like when your newly pregnant with baby number five. In God's eyes, its probably perfectly okay for my husband to do all the work, make dinner, put all the kids to bed, and dig out dirty pajamas from the laundry pile, all while a newly pregnant Mommy slinks off to bed at 7:45 PM.
Here's to hoping the cross will help break me of my "irrational Mommy perfectionism" soon!