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Loss of Control

alec vanderboom

I'm homesick in my own house tonight.

All of my four children are currently in different states. My three oldest kids are spending two weeks with their grandparents in West Virginia. My youngest daughter is spending the night alone in the NICU in Washington D.C.

I miss my old life. I miss laundry, and cooking, and home-schooling, and going to Starbucks while pregnant and pushing the three year old in the new baby's stroller.

I cried a lot during Mass at my home parish this morning. I'm a mother without any children or any domestic responsibilities for hours each day.

Exactly one week ago, I took a sick baby into the ER. In this week, God asked me to give up control of my life.

I get a little snobby as a Carmelite. I get a little self-satisfied with my lack of money, a lack of a car and a lack of volunteering for 7 million community service committees. "Look how well I'm doing letting go and letting God direct my life," I think.

Then God asks me to give up sleeping in the same house as my four children- for MORE than a week, maybe more than TWO weeks. Ouch!

The concluding song at Mass this morning (which happened to be the Parish School Mass) was a children's song that went "Give It Up, Get It Back" about receiving our good measure flowing over after we sacrifice things to God. This week I gave up each one of my children. I gave up control of my life. God's promise to me is that one day my little domestic church will be returned- all the children in good health and purified by the fire of Faith.