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Anniversary Ideas?

alec vanderboom

(Do not read, Benjamin!)

Imagine you have a husband that you love, an 11th anniversary coming up on June 2nd, guilt about not really celebrating the all important 10th anniversary well because you were in the midst of a painful moving process, next to no money AND a Chilipepper newborn who either has colic/infant reflux/extreme sensitivity which makes her cry for 6 to 8 hours a day.....

What would you do to celebrate a wedding anniversary?

Don't say "nothing", because even though I know my husband and Mr. Jesus would totally let me off the hook--part of me really wants to make this day special. I'm a historian and I get a real kick out of reflecting on the journey we've taken together.

I'm not sure I can do much with food, because either my newborn is great, or she's not. I can't really tell in advance if I'm going to have energy to cook real food for dinner or if its corn dogs in the microwave again.

So I'm thinking about creating some sort of "project" that would document to my husband and my kids what things we've truly accomplished in our marriage. Something that I could work on in the spare time while Miss Chilipepper is asleep. I'm picturing making little collages with photos of each year we've been together. Then taping it to 11 candles.

That way even if we're stuck eating take-out on our anniversary due to whatever emergency can happen with 5 kids under 10, we'll at least have a pretty centerpiece to look at during our dinner.

Does anyone else have other ideas?

The Witness of Christian Hospitality

alec vanderboom

(For Little Joann's Amusement)

I'm not a natural hostess. I suffer with social phobia and my house is always messy. Yet I'm training myself how to be a good hostess because I'm finding the virtue of hospitality is central to living the Christian Life.

"I was a stranger and you welcomed me."


Lessons from the Field


1. It's a gift if anyone at all comes to your party


 We live in a world where everyone is rushed and busy. One of my kids had a birthday party where no one came. We had the party decorations out. The perfect cake was made. The craft supplies were neatly placed on the table. I had sent my husband away with all the younger siblings. After 75 minutes, no one was there. My daughter didn't have a good concept of time, so she kept asking me "when will my friends get here?" There was this moment, when I was actually trying not to cry in front of her. It was so painful to host a party and have no one show up.

Then one of her friends and her mother showed up.  We were SO happy. We chatted. We played. We ate tons of cake. It was a while before they figure out that they were "it". I mouthed a giant "THANK YOU" to the Mom. The two ladies left happy and uplifted. Then I went into my bedroom, reread that verse where God throws a wedding party and no one comes, so he invited the lame from the roadside, and I truly cried this time.

Crazy as it sounds, that party failure experience has really made me better as a hostess. I know it is a gift if anyone comes to your party. I don't take rejection personally. And I also make sure to GO to people's parties. People I don't know well. There are so many times that I have to say no because of my family obligations (like I'm super pregnant and can't drive), that if there is anyway I can say "yes", I do.  In my heart, I know that the saddest feeling is to have a party where no one is there--so I just give the gift of myself.

2. There is something intimate about having people over to your house

If you have a friendship that you are trying to work on at church, invite the family over to your house. If someone drops something off, invite them in. We do too much of our socialization at neutral sites, like parks or Starbucks coffee houses. But as soon as someone comes to your house, they feel like they "know you." The window treatments (or lack there of!) you've got on your windows, the type of table you chose in your kitchen (or inherited from your Mother) that all says something intangible about you. I can have an in depth conversation at a Carmel meeting with someone for three years, but they still know me less than if they spent three minutes inside my house.

3. Be Persistent

People will say no. Keep asking. But also know, if someone never comes to your house--that's a sign. Don't worry that they like hate you personally, but just know that don't really have space in their life for friendship, so don't get your heart broken over their inattentiveness.( I think this is especially important since a lot of times Catholic families have super dynamic stuff going in their lives like post-NICU babies or kids newly diagnosed with autism. So truly you can't take rejection of your cute party invitees personally).

4. Invite the whole family

Sometimes I like to do "Moms Only Teas". Which is probably selfish, but I just enjoying being able to carry on a long conversation without chasing after a toddler occasionally and I assume other Moms do too. But other than my selfish teas, any time we invite someone over, we invite the whole family. Catholic families are so cool because sometimes they are huge! It is a delight. One six invited over, makes an instant party! Usually I know the Mom and kids, more than the husband. I love getting to know the "Dads".

 I think that large families  (or smaller families with lots of tiny kids) rarely get invited over because its such seen as such a burden to host them. Nothing is farther from the truth. Large families are self-entertaining, content with hot dogs, AND the guests will take care of entertaining your kids. A calm Catholic middle school kid will go lead a game of hide and seek outside entertaining all of your own little ones for hours.

5. Invite a Priest to your house.

Priests are also incredibly busy--so snag them early. Invite over a seminarian (who always needs a home cooked meal) or a newly ordained priest. They have more time and more excitement. And my dear priests, I wish you would schedule more home visits. Invite YOURSELF over to our homes. That's how you get to know us and how we get to know you!

6. Fuss, but not too much.

When you do a little prep work (pull out the nice china hiding in your cabinet, buy flowers at the grocery store) you immediately put the guest at ease. I remember a priest was very worried about imposing when he came to follow up on a religious conversation with coffee at our house. The fact that I had set a nice table, put him at ease. He was expected. He was wanted. All of this effort would have gone to waste if he hadn't shown up.

At the same time, don't be fake! If you have a colicky baby, do not straighten up the living room before the nice lady comes with a hot meal for you. She's bringing you dinner because you have a new baby. You can open the door with a smile and invite her to sit at a messy breakfast table. (which I did this week and had a delightful one conversation).

Ridiculous "over fussing" makes you grumpy. It makes women "hate to entertain."

Tag. You're it Joann. (You can just write some comments b/c I think your so gifted in this area, but right now you're busy entertaining a newborn son)

The Spiritual Canticle

alec vanderboom

You considered
that one hair fluttering at my neck;
you gazed at it upon my neck
and it captivated you;
and one of my eyes wounded you.

When you looked at me
your eyes imprinted your grace in me;
for this you loved me ardently;
and thus my eyes deserved
to adore what they beheld in you.

(Stanza 31 and 32, St. John of the Cross)


Colic is Not a Bad Way to Work off My Long Purgatory Debt

alec vanderboom



A dear Carmelite friend called me today. It seems my remarks about my "Miss Chili Pepper" has everyone worried about me. My youngest is very cute, which helps so much. Colic is not as bad as other Carmelite fasts and sacrifices!
Update: Then my friend sent me proof positive that infant reflux is equal to a good Carmelite fast. This blog post is good read for anyone suffering with their child in the same way.

Calling All Catholic Bloggers....

alec vanderboom

Did you know that we received a specific homework assignment from the US Counsel of Bishops on April 12?


"To our priests, especially those who have responsibility for parishes, university chaplaincies, and high schools, we ask for a catechesis on religious liberty suited to the souls in your care. As bishops we can provide guidance to assist you, but the courage and zeal for this task cannot be obtained from another—it must be rooted in your own concern for your flock and nourished by the graces you received at your ordination.


Catechesis on religious liberty is not the work of priests alone. The Catholic Church in America is blessed with an immense number of writers, producers, artists, publishers, filmmakers, and bloggers employing all the means of communications—both old and new media—to expound and teach the faith. They too have a critical role in this great struggle for religious liberty. We call upon them to use their skills and talents in defense of our first freedom." 
read the whole text here.

The 4th of July is coming up. Lets plan ahead to provide a prayerful day for our families, as well as a fun day of fireworks. The US Bishops have asked us to have a "fortnight of prayer" from June 21 to July 4th.

Here is more info:
"Both our civil year and liturgical year point us on various occasions to our heritage of freedom. This year, we propose a special “fortnight for freedom,” in which bishops in their own dioceses might arrange special events to highlight the importance of defending our first freedom. Our Catholic institutions also could be encouraged to do the same, especially in cooperation with other Christians, Jews, people of other faiths, and indeed, all who wish to defend our most cherished freedom.
We suggest that the fourteen days from June 21—the vigil of the Feasts of St. John Fisher and St. Thomas More—to July 4, Independence Day, be dedicated to this “fortnight for freedom”—a great hymn of prayer for our country. Our liturgical calendar celebrates a series of great martyrs who remained faithful in the face of persecution by political power—St. John Fisher and St. Thomas More, St. John the Baptist, SS. Peter and Paul, and the First Martyrs of the Church of Rome. Culminating on Independence Day, this special period of prayer, study, catechesis, and public action would emphasize both our Christian and American heritage of liberty. Dioceses and parishes around the country could choose a date in that period for special events that would constitute a great national campaign of teaching and witness for religious liberty."
I've started working on a prayer vigil plan for my family and my parish, hope you will too!

The Only Time St. John of the Cross Has Approved Of My Impulsive Target Shopping Habits

alec vanderboom

Target is selling the beautiful verses of 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 as Wall Art for $14.99. I picked it up impulsively during one of my "MUST HAVE CHOCOLATE OR DIE" raids as the Mother of a newborn. I hung it up on our bedroom wall three weeks ago. Man, nothing has done more to help me adjust to life with a colicky newborn.

We read this verse at our wedding, but somehow I missed that St. Paul was giving me a solid checklist. (Before I look at it like some nice, dreamy  Shakespearean quote). So now, I have this checklist in front of me.

Love is

-patient
-kind
-not rude
-not self-seeking
-not easily angered (whoops!)
-keeps no record of wrongs (double whoops!)

Love always

-protects
-trusts
-hopes
-perseveres

I'm learning as I go along in Carmel, that our Scripture quotes aren't random pretty phrases stuck together. The Word of God, has order and direction inside the specific verse. I could be wrong, because I'm new at this process, but when I pray lectio divino now I picture a set of stair steps going up to heaven. So this verse becomes a series of orderly steps for me to take. First I need to protect. Then I need to trust. Then I hope. Finally, I persevere.

Whenever I take something specific that I'm having trouble showing love in--say homeschooling--it helps now to have a game plan. I need to protect my children from some specific evils I witnessed in public school. Am I trusting that the Lord will help me teach and my children to learn? Am I hopeful about our outcome, or am I being ruthlessly pessimistic? Finally, I need to persevere, and not give up at the smallest difficulty. Above all, am I being consistently patient and kind while I teach?

I always earn a big fat NO for all the above.

However humbling, it's lovely to have a yardstick for my Christian vocation that is holy, and ordered and possible. These holy stair steps are direct contradiction to the usual evaluation of my mothering that the Devil puts into head such as "I'm only a good mother if the soccer shirts are always clean before game day."

Mommy Mary, pray for us.


A Member of the Evangelism Committee

alec vanderboom

I had a fascinating conversation with a Catholic in a "mixed marriage" this week. This Mom is a strong cradle Catholic with five kids. She's happily married to a man who isn't baptized and is pretty "anti-church." I've talked to people who were in this situation before. This lady was unique in the degree of her loving acceptance of her husband and her calm trust in God.

This woman is a missionary in her heart. She calmly takes all five children alone to Mass each and every Sunday. She goes to Confession when she makes mistakes. She teaches religion to her kids at home. She models her faith in her actions and her words.

Her prayer is to convert the heart of her husband.

She has patience. She appreciates that he didn't get the gift of infant baptism. She knows that he was harmed by some religious hypocracy in his youth. She appreciates that he's not going to covert just for "show". She's waiting for him to catch on to the Source of all Truth that she has the privilege of seeing clearly every day.

How beautiful to spend your whole life working as a missionary for the one person in the world that you hold most dear, your spouse.

God bless the Catholic missionaries in India and Ukraine. God bless the hidden Catholic missionaries in our own parish.

Mother's Day Gifts--Cue the Guilt and Shame

alec vanderboom

I bought Mother's Day gifts for my Mom and my Mother in Law today.

Cue the feelings of abandonment and shame.

We were at the Mall recently at one of the new baby's first public airings, and I saw the pastel colored sign announcing Mother's Day. The ulcer feeling was in my stomach before I finished reading the words. "Didn't we just do this?" I said out loud to Jon.  Then I remembered, "that would be trying to find two appropriate Christmas gift five months ago..." Five months ago is still too soon.

I have the assignment of picking out a gift that Mother will approve--which is nothing. And especially nothing in my limited budget framework.

Because I'm tired from nursing a newborn, and hopefully all this Carmelite stuff on detachment from worldly approval is working a tiny bit on my deeply ingrained mother-wound scars, I chose pretty gifts for under $20 from a site that had free shipping. I didn't second guess myself for hours. I didn't call my husband at work begging for advice. I just found something cool and hit the "order" button.

Then, I felt crummy for the rest of the afternoon.

As a vacation (trust me, I'm not saying that sarcastically--it is a true gift), my husband let me make the emergency run to Wal-Mart without a colicky newborn strapped to my chest. As a reward for my yucky day, I let myself choose a $1.69 Cadbury chocolate bar from the Candy Aisle. ( I started eating Cadbury while an exchange student in London and I'm nuts about this stuff. My kids nicknamed it "The Queen's Chocolate" because in the back wrapper there is a fancy royal seal with the words "by the appointment of the Queen" her official chocolate manufacturer.)

It hit me with joy that my kids are not going to repeat this cycle of uncertainty and fear while selecting my Mother's Day gifts. My kids know what I like. I like Cadbury chocolate bars, and Lindt, and Hersey Symphony. I like books, and notepaper, and pens with crisp ink lines. I like mishapen cupcakes with homemade frosting that doesn't quite set. I like pages of Lego.Com print-outs and weird "As Seen On TV" kitchen inventions that are supposed to make my life easier.

I like a lot of things. And since my five kids are always with me when I shop, they know what I like.

I told my relief that "this cycle ends with me" to my husband tonight. Jon gave me a great compliant. He said with a big smile "You are easy to please!" Then he explained further that being "easy to please is a litmus test for holiness."

He talked about how that if your "hard to please" your attached to the worldly pleasures. You buy more and more things, and over time you get less and less pleasure from them. You need things to be more and more perfect, refined or rare. On the other hand, a person growing in holiness gradually becomes more and more simple in their pleasures. Everything makes you smile. Every gift is received with joy.

I'd thought about that concept as it applies to friends. Back in my not so wise college days, I demanded that my friends be a certain type. I liked snobby, artistic intellectuals. Now ten years into my Catholic journey, I find myself enjoying conversation with all kinds of people I never would have given a second look to in my twenties. I appreciate wisdom from very young children, and strangers that barely speak English, and people whose background and interests are a far contrast to my own.

"Easy to please" is a backhanded compliment from the NPR crowd. I'm embracing that mantra as something I'd like to embrace more in my life. Is the car working or not working, it's okay because I'm easy to please, Mr. Jesus. Is the baby colicky or sleeping peacefully? Are we making great progress in home-schooling or do I feel like we're all treading water together.

Good Mother Days and Bad Mother Days are losing their distance because I'm learning how to be "easy to please."

God bless all of us daughters of Eve. Lord, help us grow into our full beauty as adopted daughters of Mary.

Who Do These Kids Think They Are, Anyway?

alec vanderboom

After nine years of searching, I finally found a "Saint Hannah" medal online. I was in the midst of ordering a First Communion gift for my son and starting jumping out of my skin with excitement. "Hannah!", I yelled.

My Hannah was not impressed.

She wants a Little Flower saints medal.

There are thousands and thousands of Little Flower Saint medals out there.

"But Hannah, you don't understand how perfect this is," I said. "This is Saint Anne, holding her daughter, the Blessed Virgin Mary. Hannah was her actual Hebrew name. We never find Saint Anne listed as "Hannah" in this country. I've been searching forever to find this one for you and here it is!"

My Hannah is totally nonplussed. "Mom it's not the saint's NAME that matters. Its their life. It's who you feel connected to in your HEART."

So, my little girl has adopted the Little Flower as the true soul mate of her heart. How can a Carmelite parent complain?

My Plans Vs God's Plans

alec vanderboom

This morning I'd like to write a long rant about our shameful treatment of Chinese activist Chen using lots of quotes from John Stuart Mills and other political theorist I learned about in Gov 100,

but instead, I'm going to walk a hundred miles inside my house with a colicky baby girl strapped to my chest.

God's laughing at me.

"Which act do you really think is going to shame the Devil, Miss Abigail", He tells me.

(At least I'm soothing my fifth child, and a girl at that. Take that China!)

Blessed Are Those Who Mourn

alec vanderboom

Have you seen this yet? CBS News has a link to Avery's Bucket List. This little five month old girl died today, one month after her diagnosis with a severe genetic disease. I love her parents approach to suffering. In an upside down world that seems intent on destroying sick kids in utereo, this blog offers a much more Christian perspective on how to parent a sick kid with joy.