Seeing Mommy Mary At Work, Part 2

(Part One is Here)

"I do have a question, though. I commonly see blessings in my life and see them as God's "fingerprints", if you will. I don't quite understand why you would think Mary is the one at work there. Is there something different about what haopens that makes you think of Mary?"

--Carrie

Oh Mommy Mary, let me sing of your glory!

Dear Carrie,

I see most of the blessings in my life as straight from God, as well. My miracle house, the healing baptism of my daughter Tess, and my latest baby--those are blessings I see as straight from God, not Mary.

But "seeing Mary" at work--that is something cool. Our Lady is just in her own class! Here are some examples.

At my Grandfather's death bed on December 24, 2009, I was flipping out. As a novice Carmelite (and as his only Catholic relative) I felt all this pressure to pray for dying. I really wanted to have a holy experience like Joy Behind the Cross. I wanted to sit in the hospital room, hold my beloved Grandpa's hand, and pray endless Divine Mercy chaplet's for his soul. It was absolutely KILLING me that we happened to be in a Catholic hospital but my Grandpa couldn't get the Sacrament of the Sick. (Because he was Protestant). In the absence of that special, reassuring visit from a priest, I felt tense and alone.

Also, I found "caring for the sick" to be soothing and familiar. Worrying about my weak Grandpa's fluid intake, wiping his chin after a drink, making sure his legs were in a comfortable position, singing some favorite hymns--these were all things that as a mother of young children--just felt innate. Caring for him at the end of his life was a special way for me to say "thank you" and "goodbye."

To the rest of my family, however, death was something to be avoided at all costs. They kept insisting that everyone leave Grandpa's hospital room often to "regroup". I was also requested leave my Grandpa alone for long periods to have a normal Christmas as possible at my parent's house.

There was one family meeting that we had in the hospital waiting area that was so emotionally painful for me. I sat slumped in my chair, broken-hearted. I really, really wanted to be physically near my dying Grandfather. Instead, I was stuck in this random room having a ridiculous conversation with my parents and my siblings. My mom sat directly across from me and she said something really awful. And I looked up--and there she was!

Three feet above my own Mom's head was this giant picture of Mommy Mary. (I think it was Our Lady of Guadalupe). The peace that I felt in that moment was supernatural. The message that I felt immediately in my heart went something like this: "I'm your Mom!" (As in, be kind to this lady who gave birth to you. Cut her some slack! Her Dad is dying. But always know that I'm your Mom! I've got you, and your Grandpa, and this whole family situation covered!")

I remember getting through the rest of that awful conversation by glancing at that beautiful picture over my my own Mom's head periodically. It was so reassuring. I felt like a shy child holding onto his Mother's apron strings.

Seeing Mommy Mary's picture helped me start to "go with the flow." I agreed to leave my grandfather's hospital room to help cook a big seafood Christmas Eve dinner for my family. For most of that weekend, I prayed for my Grandfather far away from his hospital room.

As a more mature Christian, I can see now that sacrificing my desire to hold my Grandfather's hand while I prayed for him--was actually the more holy choice. Work can be a powerful prayer. My family really needed "normalcy" to cope with my Grandpa's sudden health crisis. By cooking dinner for my family, I helped my parents feel more comfortable. Time away from the hospital room, probably made their shorter visits more pleasant and meaningful.

In the moment, however, I was very confused. I had a firm picture of what a "holy death" should look like. It hurt so much that the reality of my Grandfather's experience fell so short of this perfect image in my head.

That's where Mommy Mary is such a genius! Because sometimes when I'm alone with my Bible and my love for God, Satan can get me honestly confused. (Not that I don't help Satan often through my own extreme sinfulness!) But sometimes, despite my best intentions, I get mixed-up. I get lost. I don't know which path is the one God truly wants me to take.

Back in that moment inside the hospital waiting room, I was lost. I was fighting so hard. "I'm the Carmelite. I'm supposed to be praying for the dying. Leave me alone so that I can pray!" My tense attitude caused a lot of extra drama in an already bad situation.

Catching that surprise glimpse of Mommy Mary--that was everything to me. She reminded me that she was present. Praying for a dying Christian was her special role. She had everything under control. I could just relax and do my part--which was always something very, very little!

(More examples to come. Thank you Carrie, this is very fun! To Other Catholics, what are your unique interactions with Our Blessed Mother? Can you write about them and link to his blog?)

Making Sense of Mommy Mary

I got a letter from a reader this week:

"I am becoming interested in Catholicism. But this Mother Mary stuff just doesn't make any sense to me at all. Could you point me in the direction of some help understanding this?
Thank you,
Carrie"

Well as a little Carmelite, rather than point you to a book or a website, I'd rather point you to having a prayerful heart and rereading the Gospel of Luke.

Mary is a real person. She existed in a specific time and place. She is Christ's first and his best disciple! St. Peter messed up a few times. St. James, St. John,and St. Paul, all very good, inspiring men--but they had flaws that Scripture faithfully records.

Mary on the other hand, consistently hit the ball out of the park.

She said YES!

Again and again and again.

So lets just review a few highlights of Mary's discipleship career.

Angel Gabriel comes and announces an unexpected pregnancy for God. An event that may mean public ridicule, divorce, and potential death by stoning as an adulteress. Mary says Yes!

Early in her pregnancy (during the first trimester when I'm personally having trouble getting out of bed in the morning) Mary RUNS to visit her elder cousin Elizabeth in a far away community. Mary has great love for people as well as for God.

Being the Mother of God has such glory connected with it as giving birth in a filthy stable, fleeing from an Israeli king who is intent on killing your toddler, living as an alien in a foreign land for several years and "misplacing" the Holy Son of God for three days as a teenager in the Temple of Jerusalem.

All of this happens prior to the major heartache of watching your son die in a painful way in the midst of great cruelty and ridicule.

Mary was a purely human being, like us, who had a supernatural gift of grace (the Immaculate Conception, not like us). We don't have to be jealous that Mary got a unique gift from God. Instead, Mary does help us all accept that "goodness" is a gift from God himself. In our lives on earth, we won't ever be able to duplicate Mary's "home run" of faith. Jesus only came as a tiny baby once and none of us currently living women will ever be able to nourish him in our womb. But Mary will help us "give birth to Christ" in our soul. We can become more Christ-like. We can start to resemble our Savior's life more and more in our frail human form.

So when we pray to her, she responds. She's real. She helps us to see her working in our world.

Two common Catholic Prayers to Mary are the Hail Mary and the Memorare.

Hail Mary
Full of Grace
The Lord is With You (this is a quote from the Angel Gabriel's words in Luke)
Blessed Are You Among Women
And Blessed Is the Fruit of Your Womb, Jesus (This is a quote from St. Elizabeth also found in Luke)
Holy Mary, Mother of God
Pray for Us Sinners,
Now and at the Moment of Our Death (This is a saying of the entire Catholic Church who wants help from Mom right now, and at the most decisive moment in their Christian life--the moment of death)

Also, my husband suggested drawing closer to Mary by using his favorite Marian prayer, the Memorare

Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary,
that never was it known that anyone who fled to your protection,
implored your help or sought your intercession,
was left unaided.
Inspired with this confidence,
I fly to you, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother;
to you do I come, before you I stand, sinful and sorrowful.

O Mother of the Word Incarnate,
despise not my petitions,
but in your mercy hear and answer me.

Amen.

Blessed Mother, pray for Carrie and pray for us!

I'm on a mission....

to help curly haired girls adore their natural hair type!

So you see my pretty Mimi pictured below. At age 4, she is already complaining that she wants straight hair like her big sister!

As we walk through life, so many women come up to me and talk about "I had hair just like that, but my Mom couldn't brush it, SO SHE CUT IT ALL OFF and it grew back like this.." These woman who are in their fifties or sixties and still have tears in their eyes when they talk about that trauma.

Then I found that I had curly hair like my daughter Mimi, but I got it "cut wrong" at age five also. Now my hair is more "wavy" than having adorable "Annie" curls like Miss Mimi.

So I'm nominating reformed curly girl expert Miss Kaitlin to give all us moms of curly tops an online tutorial in hair care.

And please, if you have a pretty curly girl in your life, tell her that she looks uniquely beautiful every day--because that pressure to comfort to "straight hair" beauty is very dreadful!

Back To School Shopping

Glad Home-Schoolers Can Still Enjoy Go Back to School Shopping With Grandma

 

(Doesn't this girl deserve her own modeling gig?)

Spiritual Help for the Home Schooling Mother

I'm back to struggling with fear and pride again this August. Last year, we had just one disruption after another during our home-schooling year. As I'm struggling with fatigue and morning sickness my constant thought is "God, please don't let us have another year where Alex (my first grader) doesn't learn how to read!"

The Devil is real! The very fact that I'm so caught up in all the complications I'm going to have home-schooling while newly pregnant in a brand new state, is probably proof positive that our 2011-2012 school year is going to be awesome. At least resulting in major spiritual insights and improvements for my children's very flawed teacher, ME!

To fight the Devil at his own game, I'm resolved to NOT spend hours scrutinizing new home-school curriculums online UNTIL I get my heart straight!

BE IT RESOLVED THAT: This home-school year is about growing in spiritual formation for me and all of my babies.

My job as a teacher is to fight sloth and timidity in myself.

My 3rd grader's job is to strengthen her virtue of perseverance.

My 1st grader's job is to practice obedience by doing short bursts of activities that he doesn't like.

My four year old's job is to practice patience.

Every day, I'm going to use school work as a method of strengthening these fundamental spiritual virtues in my children and in myself. If we do our work "well for Jesus" each day, that counts as success.

Hopefully, I'll be able to put together lots of inspiring Scripture and examples from the lives of the Saints to help me fight the vice of pride in thinking homeschooling is more about "making myself look good by having super smart kids" and more about the humble work of serving Jesus.

St. Ann, pray for me!

August Home School Angst

So it looks like we're going to be home-schooling again this year.

I need some advice.

Who has a good spelling program for a high school student or an adult? (I want to set a good example for my kids by fixing my own poor spelling habits.)


Easiest Math Program out there that won't bore my 1st and 3rd grade children to tears? Any votes for Sigapore? I'm looking for a substitute to Math-U-See.

Miss Abigail Is Not Herself....

Just want to apologize in advance for all the weird, off-base posts that are potentially coming in the next few days.

Miss Abigail is not herself!

This new pregnancy has really thrown me for a loop. Moves and Babies go together for the Benjamin family. Three of our four kids were conceived immediately proceeding a major out-of-state move. (Does this happen to anyone else?)

In June, I was sobbing because I WASN'T pregnant. We took almost 4 years to conceive Baby Tess. I was convinced I was stuck in "unexplained secondary infertility" again and that feeling stunk!

But then came early August. A positive pregnancy test! And I'm excited, but I'm also not excited. I don't have my feet underneath me at all post-move. (Although, I know realize that part of the reason I'm feeling so physically crummy is because I'm newly pregnant).

It's just this complete loss of control thing.

Everything I thought I would be doing this Summer and Fall to help us adjust to our new community, I now can't do.

So here I am.

No friends. (well, no local friends)

No structure.

No steady prayer routine.

No husband for 14 to 15 hours a day.

But I got a new baby on the way!

So I'll just remain "un-artfully" winging it with Jesus until a better pattern emerges.

Meeting Someone Who Doesn't Know Our Mom

I met someone who didn't know our Mom today.

It feels strange to be so shocked about it.

I mean, I grew up Protestant. The number of people who I know who DON'T have an intimate relationship with Our Blessed Mother must be well over a thousand.

Both this surprise felt like a curve ball.

I had a deep conversation about a recent health crisis with a fellow Catholic who matched me in all the external trappings of my faith.

I followed the conversation so closely about the doctors, and the test results and that "we can't promise anything certain about the outcome until after surgery..."

And then there were these gaps, because in my head I kept remembering my own journey through the NICU and mentally adding "and that's the moment when Mommy Mary entered into the hospital room."

But this story didn't have that.

No Mom.

No sacraments.

No intangible spiritual presence.

Everything commented upon was something tangible. The doctors where great. The church was "great" --but only in a physical, tangible way as in "everyone brought us food every night."

And it made me realize what a very precious gift it is to see Mom in my life. I get in trouble. I get hurt. I get scared. And Mom shows up!

Literally!

I can see her. I can smell her.

And anytime someone does a great kindness to me- either a priest giving me some great advice, or a friend sending me flowers in the hospital recovery room-- I see it as a special sign of love from Her! It's HER son or HER daughter that is giving me that love.

I don't walk around being amazed that some random people are "spontaneously" kind to me.

Those special signs of affections come from a source-Her.

And all healing comes from HIM.

I wonder how many other people are out there, going to Mass on Sunday, giving birth to lots of kids, going through the dark night of unemployment or health scares or unexpected pregnancies who doesn't know that
OUR MOM IS THERE.

Sort of make me want to tell the whole wide world about "what a friend we have in Mary!"

Turn me over, I'm done on this side!

Happy Feast of St. Lawrence! I love him!

Psalm 17 Save me, Lord, from those who hate you.

"You give them their fill of your treasures;
they rejoice in abundance of offspring
and leave their wealth to their children."

This quote from the Daily Office brought me great joy today! If you think of "fill of your treasures" and "leave their wealth to their children" as true wealth-- spiritual insight--then God is giving us such a glorious promise.

Also, "abundance of offspring" is really more than simple biological offspring, its the promise of having many spiritual sons and daughters. Another beautiful promise that extends equally to the chaste Religious sister as well as to the wife who suffers from infertility.

I also liked this quote from Saint Augustine in the Second Reading about my dear St. Lawrence:

"I tell you again and again, my brethren, that in the Lord’s garden are to be found not only the roses of his martyrs.In it there are also the lilies of the virgins, the ivy of wedded couples, and the violets of widows. On no account may any class of people despair, thinking that God has not called them."

I love that visual image of "ivy" for married couples. I'll have to go find some ivy somewhere and put it in my dining room.

Prayers Please!

A new baby Benjamin is on the way!

Please pray for me and my littlest one.

I'm only six weeks into my pregnancy and this is where all the important stuff gets formed.

In my prayer life, I feel like a bad short order cook. I'm all like:

"God,

I don't want my new baby to copy Baby Joey's heart, or Baby Ishmel's missing ears, or Baby Sky's ruptured placenta....."

I'm not exactly a Carmelite girl full of trust this week.

It's a good thing God works with the lowly!

Fighting the Devil

When I came to church this morning, I had a shock. A heavy white marble statue of Our Lady had been hacked into pieces and thrown into the mud.

 

It caused me physical pain to see my Mom's face pressed into the mud.

 

At first I felt awful, then suddenly I felt better. It was like proof that "evil is real" and we're all in this together as the Body of Christ. The little injuries I received over the past two weeks were apart of this larger attack on the Catholic Church. How can I feel alone in my misery when my own Mom's statue is face down in the dirt?

I immediately asked my family to pray with me by this statue. We promised to do acts of prayer and reparations for this sacrilege. We talked about how it was no surprise that vandals chose this statue of Mary, out of all the other things in our Church to attack. The Devil hates Mommy Mary because she is so powerful!

If you look closely, you can see that this was a memorial to a 26 year old son who died in a car accident 30 years ago. What a beautiful statement of hope after tragedy his mother left for the parish.

 

Later, I went back to church at 3 PM and took some photos. I couldn't stand to see Our Mom doing a face-plant in the dirt. It took all the strength I had to flip her over. Marble is heavy!

 

I called in a few of my friends to help me clean her up.

 

My cleaning crew hard at work

 

 

 

It was a "coincidence" but the Sister of the deceased brother whose memorial this was came over to chat with us during our cleaning session. She was very heartsick that "people could do this." She was really touched however, that we were there cleaning up her brother's statue.

We left a note for the vandals.

 

(Dear Vandals, We are praying for you, St. Joseph's)

We know that the Devil is real and he does mean stuff! But lets not give up Hope. Let's keep with the fight. The Devil hates our Mom because she can crush him with a bare toe. If the Devil hates us because we're starting to have a "family resemblance to Mom" lets rejoice, instead of being disheartened or scandalized!

Update: Found out that his statue weighed 800 pounds and yet was dragged into the middle of a city street.

Stress: A Pathway to Prayer?

Stress: A Pathway to Prayer?

This piece is completely amazing.

I'm getting ready to make my temporary Carmelite vows and I'm so frustrated that all this extra stress from the move is "interfering" with my prayer life. I keep thinking "God, why is all this happening now---right when I'm supposed to be concentrating more on You?"

This insight is so cool. What if all this "extra stress" is God's way of calling me INTO a deeper prayer life, rather than simply being an unwanted distraction from it?

ht: the anchoress

Today is My Favorite Second Reading!!!!

Happy St. Martha Day!!!

Wow, does this zinger from St. Augustine always put me in a great mood:

"But you, Martha, if I may say so, are blessed for your good service, and for your labors you seek the reward of peace. Now you are much occupied in nourishing the body, admittedly a holy one. But when you come to the heavenly homeland will you find a traveller to welcome, someone hungry to feed, or thirsty to whom you may give drink, someone ill whom you could visit, or quarrelling whom you could reconcile, or dead whom you could bury?

No, there will be none of these tasks there. What you will find there is what Mary chose. There we shall not feed others, we ourselves shall be fed. Thus what Mary chose in this life will be realized there in all its fullness; she was gathering fragments from that rich banquet, the Word of God. Do you wish to know what we will have there? The Lord himself tells us when he says of his servants, Amen, I say to you, he will make them recline and passing he will serve them."

Am I Content with Weakness/Mistreatment Yet?

A charge from St. Paul to go beyond the beyond today in our First Reading today:

"As to the extraordinary revelations, in order that I might not become conceited I was given a thorn in the flesh, an angel of Satan to beat me and keep me from getting proud. Three times I begged the Lord that this might leave me. He said to me, “My grace is enough for you, for in weakness power reaches perfection.” And so I willingly boast of my weaknesses instead, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

Therefore I am content with weakness, with mistreatment, with distress, with persecutions and difficulties for the sake of Christ; for when I am powerless, it is then that I am strong." (Second Corinthians)

Am I A Crazy Post-NICU Mother?

It's less than a month before my Teresa's first birthday.

I haven't planned a thing for her first birthday party.

That's really odd for me. I LOVE hosting parties. But every time I think about Tessy's upcoming day, I get a little sick to my stomach.

On August 30, 2010, my daughter had a beautiful, holy birth.

On September 5, 2010, she started dive bombing towards death. I watched my daughter's condition freak out otherwise calm and hopeful pros at Holy Cross NICU. I was suddenly marked as the "mom who was going to lose her kid in a matter of hours."

And then she was fine.

Baptism? Prayer? Her godmother having a special in as a Bride of Christ?

I don't really know what flipped my baby girl 360 degrees around, but I'm beginning to think the awesome "medicine" part of her treatment at Holy Cross and Children's National Medical Center was almost the smallest part of Tessy's recovery. That was the tangible part we could see at the time-- but there was some powerful invisible stuff happening behind the scenes.

And I'm grateful.
But I'm also scared.

Those were super intense moments that I spent with my baby girl during her first week of life.

I'm not eager to go back there and go relive them.

In fact, I sort of want to pretend that my little girl is totally normal kid and brush past the birthday party thing all together. I'm want to whistle in the dark and pretend those scary alternative outcomes never could have happened.

But then, this was a "public miracle" of God. And there are all of these wonderful people who were a part of Tessy's journey towards healing--that I want to acknowledge and remember and celebrate her remarkable NICU journey together.

So what does God want me to do? Private family day? Big public party? Am I just supposed to let go of my vanity? What is the big deal if I do start to cry at odd moments during Tessy's party in front of a lot of people?

Blessed Elizabeth of the Trinity: On Children

It's so lovely to have a religious sister really appreciate the beauty of the sacrament of marriage and write such hopeful words to her lay sister.

"Oh, little sister, how He is blessing your little nest, how He loves you in entrusting these two little souls "whom He chose in Him before creation that they might be holy and spotless in His presence in love" (Saint Paul). You are the one who must guide them to Him and keep them all His.
(Letter 227 To her sister, vol. II, pg. 198)

How I love to hear that! You are the one who must guide them to Him and keep them all His.

I get sort of overwhelmed easily at the spiritual responsibilities of motherhood. I'm a poor Mom in my emotional, physical, and spiritual resources, in addition to my limited economic means. I'm the Mom who often forgets to trim her kids' fingernails. And yet God handed me four, mostly helpless, kids under the age of nine!

With my forgetful, distracted personality it can be totally terrifying to think that I've got full responsibilities for four souls for finding their way into consistent and perfect friendship with our Lord, Jesus Christ, both now on earth and in heaven.

Especially since there is just such a GLUT of happy, committed, pure-hearted Catholic in the United States today to encourage me, a poor mother, in every single sense of the word!!!

But just when I start to get dizzy with fear, along comes my cheerful bff Elizabeth of the Trinity. "How He loves you!" she says. She reminds me my "mothering job" with all it's appearance of chaos and contradictions is actually quite simple.

You are the one who must guide them to Him and keep them all His.

Blessed Elizabeth of the Trinity, pray for us!

Lee Ann Womack - I Hope You Dance

To my precious "in real life" friend who is newly pregnant after years of infertility and a recent (and emotional painful) third miscarriage--I say HURRAH! You are a brave woman and I love you!

For everyone out there who is struggling to stay "open to life."

After infertility....

miscarriage....

a failed adoption...

infant death....

or a scary, bone-rattling ride with an older child through Children's National Hospital,

my strong Carmelite prayer for each one of you is:

"if you get the chance, to sit it out or dance...
I hope you dance!"

Because babies are worth the risk!

Happy Feast Day of Mary Magdalene!

"We should reflect on Mary’s attitude and the great love she felt for Christ; for though the disciples had left the tomb, she remained. She was still seeking the one she had not found, and while she sought she wept; burning with the fire of love, she longed for him who she thought had been taken away. And so it happened that the woman who stayed behind to seek Christ was the only one to see him. For perseverance is essential to any good deed, as the voice of truth tells us: Whoever perseveres to the end will be saved." (From a homily on the Gospels by Gregory the Great, pope. Today's Second Reading. Hom. 25, 1-2, 4-5:PL 76, 1189-1193)

Something from my retreat

(a thought I had in my room during my recent retreat)

Blessed Teresa of Calcutta had the chance to say "yes" and give Love to a million different children during her lifetime.

But I have the chance to say "yes" and show Love to the same four children in a million different moments during my lifetime.

(Do you get it? Both of us have an equal opportunity to showcase God's love. Mother Teresa showed the world that "everyone is a child of God." But I have a chance to show a few very specific children that they are loved by God "all of the time!")